Meeting a Desperate Woman in a Parking Lot…What Would You Do?
This past weekend I was finishing up back to school shopping with my daughters. We left the mall and were walking to our car when I was stopped by a desperate, upset woman wearing scrubs.
The first thing she said to me was “I’m going to cry.”
Her face looked like it.
She went on to explain to me that her car had run out of gas and she had been stuck at the mall for two hours without her wallet. I know, the running out of gas story is a popular one. But I identified with this desperate woman. I’ve had my car break down at the mall and I have left my wallet at home. I’ve been stranded and desperate for help.
I rarely and I mean almost never talk to people in parking lots or give handouts. I prefer to give to charities and volunteering vs just handing over a few dollars. For me, I feel better hoping the charity donation will go to something that helps, vs being left wondering how the person will spend the handout.
I once saw a person park a nice Toyota at a street corner, leave their jacket in the car, put a cast on their leg then hobble to the street corner.
I decided I would give her a few dollars.
Without letting me answer, she unleashed a long winded, fast talking run of arguments as to why I should give her money. She really should have stopped with the gas money story.
- Her son took her wallet out of her purse
- She is moving here from Fort Collins in 2 days
- Her son pulled the money out of the wallet and she didn’t see it
- She forgot her wallet at home but didn’t realize it until after she left him at daycare
- The only money she had was change from her son’s friends
- She pleaded to me as a mother to another mother
She went on and on like this in a very panicked manner but I felt for this woman. Her story started to unwind and she had more ways of losing her wallet than she needed. She didn’t need help with the car and didn’t need a phone.
Just the money, please.
She was actually beginning to talk me out of helping her out.
But then I thought about my friend Gretchen and her story of finding a deceased homeless man in a park with her children. I remember how this haunted her and the discussion on her blog about the invisible homeless.
I reached in my purse and gave her $5.
I turned around and started getting my kids into the car. I had been scammed. I’m not sure what her real story was, but she at least played a very desperate person.
This is why I don’t talk to people on the street.
My girls made comments about how sad the woman was. We’ve been discussing truth in advertising. Sometimes, products aren’t as good as they are made to look and sometimes people scam others into buying something.
I had a hard time explaining that I may had just been scammed. They really didn’t get it. Their sweet, innocent souls could only see a desperate person. Nothing else. I decided to skip the life lesson this time other than to say her story wasn’t necessarily true. She wanted me to give her money.
As I snapped myself in, I watched the woman approach others in the parking lot. Everyone waved her off, barely looking at her. I wondered what her real story is. Is she homeless? Hungry? She is invisible. She was desperate, but I wondered why.
I drove away with mixed feelings. On one hand, feeling bad that I allowed myself to fall for her stories and good that I helped her in someway. It was only $5, right? That’s just one less latte at Starbucks for me.
I wasn’t like the rest of the people that day ignoring her. I looked her in the eyes and listened for a few minutes. I gave her compassion and an ear.
Part sucker, a very tiny part humanitarian.
Gretchen quoted this verse on her LifeNut blog. It’s powerful and I’m sharing it too
Then those ‘sheep’ are going to say, ‘Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?’ Then the King will say, ‘I’m telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.’ Matthew 25: 37-40 The Message
I’ve thought about her a lot this week. Wondering where she went and if she has children. I hope she used my $5 on food or other essentials. But it doesn’t really matter.
I hate to hand money to every person on a street corner. But I hate driving by them like they don’t exist. I’m not sure I’m any closer with this dilemma and wonder what everyone else does. How do you help others?
August 24th, 2011 at 9:52 am
Good food for thought…has happened to me as well on a few occasions and have drove off wondering the same. I love the quote you shared and does make one pause and consider. Thank you for your blog.
August 24th, 2011 at 6:13 pm
I was approached last week by a woman outside of Office Depot that asked me for a ride. She said her ex husband had abandoned her there and could I drive her to Safeway where her sister in law worked.
I said yes. The whole way I wondered if she was going to pull a knife, if she was going to direct me to some dark alley and mug me…but no, she just got out and said thank you.
I don’t know if she used this ploy to get rides all over town or what – but I struggle with helping legitimate people (I’ve been given rides 3 times by strangers) and the scams.
I’ve decided to provide food or rides or use my phone – but don’t give out cash. I don’t know if that’s the best solution, but it’s kind of where I’ve landed.
August 24th, 2011 at 6:26 pm
I, too, have given $ to someone and wasn’t sure if they really needed it. I figure it is between them and God. I was doing something I felt was right and if they were scamming me, that’s their problem. Normally I don’t even carry cash around so I have had to decline people..I feel bad about it sometimes, but I just rarely have cash on me..
I have other ways of helping people through my church’s food pantry, Christmas Jesse tree, etc…and in those ways I know my money/items are going to those truly in need.
August 24th, 2011 at 8:20 pm
When I am approached by a person on the street I make a determination about giving them money before they even start, because the story is never true and I don’t care. People who need help ask for help, not money. People who ask for money need money and I am either willing to give it or not.
A guy approached me last week, I was in a good mood (I had just bought myself some ice-cream) so I gave him a buck. He had some story about how his girl friend had gotten them thrown out of their room the night before. I just said “oh it’s all her fault huh?” and he said “You cought me there, I guess I had something to do with it.” (what this has to do with needing money I don’t know or care)
Basically I was saying to him I don’t believe your story but here’s a dollar because I choose to give it to you. That way there is no scam. I felt good about giving him the money and not like I’d been taken.
I also have a policy about giving while in my car. I give to women only. My reasons are thus: I don’t open my car to men, there are fewer women on road side so I don’t have to decide who is “worthy”‘ and generally women are on the street due to circumstances beyond their control (often men). This way there is no issue of seeing them. Hey dude, I see you but you do not fit my giving profile.
So just like giving to charity, I pick my cases ahead of time. I don’t feel guilty because I give to one and not the other, and I don’t feel scammed because I am aware of what I am doing. In a perfect world this would work all the time, but I still feel funny passing a homeless person while drinking a Starbucks.
August 25th, 2011 at 11:51 am
I have been in the same situation and I don’t know whether to pat my humanitarian self on the back or berate my inner sucker. I suppose the former is almost always the better road.
Love this:
“I wasn’t like the rest of the people that day ignoring her. I looked her in the eyes and listened for a few minutes. I gave her compassion and an ear.
Part sucker, a very tiny part humanitarian.”
August 25th, 2011 at 12:15 pm
Thanks for sharing, Susan.
This is so, so hard. Nobody wants to feel like they are being scammed. In fact, just a week before the horrible incident, we had told a man who was panhandling by REI that we had no cash. He approached our entire family and asked. We said no because he was visibly intoxicated.
But our kids were watching…I kept wondering what message that sent them? Harden your hearts, kids, or else you’ll be scammed. Or: Give and show compassion because you don’t know someone’s story.
I’m afraid we’ll encounter more of these situations. Did you hear Amber Johnson’s story about giving a pregnant woman with a broken ankle, total stranger, a ride? That is a case where it’s obvious what needs to be done. I wish every situation was as clear. I suppose the best thing to do is err on the side of compassion, always. But it isn’t easy.
August 25th, 2011 at 12:40 pm
Daria – I had a woman jump into the passenger seat of my car one time. She was a flight attendant and needed a ride to the park in ride before she missed her bus. She was desperate and thought I looked safe. Which I thought was funny because she scared the daylights out of me and I waited for her to pull a knife on me. But she really just needed a ride to the bus. I was glad I was at the right corner at the right time for her. It’s hard to figure out who is a legitimate person. Who to help and who to walk away from.
August 25th, 2011 at 1:13 pm
Thanks for sharing everyone. It’s so nice to see what goes through everyone else’s minds in these situations. I believe none of us really want or intend to ignore someone in a parking lot or on a corner. You have to follow your own path and do what feels right to you.
August 26th, 2011 at 4:03 pm
There are many in need, many great causes, so many things/people that we can support or share with but the reality is you just can’t help everyone. Those who scam could very well be in need, but I loath dishonesty and I can’t stand someone thinking I’m stupid enough to be duped. (even if I am lol) Hubby and I have been planning ahead of time where to give and now that I know exactly how much we will give and exactly who we are giving to, I feel a certain sense of …. something, not sure what the word is. I’d say empowered but I’m not sure that is exactly it-I think that when we say no we feel bad no matter what the situation, when someone tugs on your heartstrings it’s even harder to say no, but I think having kids, I want them to see that it’s OK to say no sometimes. It drives my hubby crazy, but I’m a very data/fact/reality sort and I always figure that for every 10th person that turned down that lady there was probably one who handed her $5 – and so, if she was in need, well someone took care of her. And you’ve now paid your dues in the law of averages in the universe
August 26th, 2011 at 5:21 pm
I think Gretchen’s story had more of an impact on all of us than she probably knows. I am like you. I don’t typically give to people asking for money. I prefer to give to charitable organizations. But last week, after Gretchen wrote that I passed a women on the street with a dog and a sign. I went into the store and took out $40 for her. It was my way small way of acknowledging Gretchen’s post.