The year 2010 is showing itself to be a rough year. A stressful year and a year full of changes and realizations, but also a year that’s keeping me in mourning. I’m mourning the loss of a friend and a friendship. I’ll save the friendship loss for another post.

A friend of mine, one of the mom’s from my daughter’s school, passed away in January. She and I weren’t terribly close but I did love her and miss her every day.

Last December, she showed me that her eyes were yellow and made a comment that it was just so weird and the doctor didn’t know what was causing it. I’m not well versed in diagnosis and disease, thought it was odd, and didn’t think much of it. We were also at school at the time, helping in the classroom. It was busy and I barely had a chance to say hi let alone chat.

Dee and I met when her son and my daughter began kindergarten 2 1/2 years ago. They were instant friends and we chatted a lot while waiting for school to get out. Last year, we were room moms together.

Dee wasn’t real open with her life, but then again, neither am I. I keep a lot private and don’t show many people what’s truly inside. She would give hints that maybe her life wasn’t perfect, but the rest of the time, she worked hard to make it appear to be.

When we all came back from Christmas break, I didn’t see her. Not totally unusual and I was busy and distracted and I figured she was too. About three weeks into the new year, I really missed Dee. I decided I would call her and catch up when I had a chance. We were also supposed to get together over the holidays, but it just didn’t happen.

The next night, I received a call from a mutual friend of ours asking me if I knew if Dee was ok, because her had been mom picking up her son since the break. I wasn’t worried, and said we would have to corner Dee’s mom the next day at school to see what was up. Tori had a bad feeling and called over to Dee’s house. She called me right back saying Dee had been very sick the past few weeks and was in hospice with less than 48 hours to live.

Shock. Cold chills. Disbelief.

How? When? Why? Not possible.

We jumped in the car and drove to the hospice at 9:30 that night to say goodbye. I was living a nightmare. I felt like throwing up. I couldn’t deal. I wanted to run. But I knew I would never forgive myself for not saying goodbye to Dee. I was given the chance and I had to take it no matter how difficult. For her and for me.

The next two days were whirlwind. I was in a fog. I focused on the kids. All the kids who knew Dee, were touched by her as a preschool teacher and a very active mom at school. I tried to work with the school to get grief counselors in for the kids. Made calls to friends that I knew would want to say goodbye.

Then the call came and Dee was gone. Other than tearing up a few times, I hadn’t cried at all. I wasn’t going to allow myself to grieve, because it simply wasn’t happening. I went to her funeral feeling afraid to cry and afraid not to. During the service, I teared up. I felt incredibly sad. I watched as her son, husband and mother sat there and survived.

Her son. He was the love of her life. He was everything to her. How could she leave him to fend in this world without her. How would he fend in this world without her?

The service ended and we stood in line to give our condolences to her family. I wasn’t sure I could do it. I’m shy and I had barely met her husband and mother. When it was my turn, instead of comforting them, I could barely breathe. I fell apart. Telling them through gasps, tears and short breaths that I would miss her smile, her energy and her amazing loving spirit.

Everyday since, I think about her. I miss her. As I park my car at school and walk up to the classroom door, I miss her so much. I see her son and want to cry. I want to hug him and tell him I’m here for him. I want to tell him that he will make it through and that his mother loved him so much. I don’t, because he’d probably think I was a crazy person.

I miss her. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about her. It sounds silly, but I want to write on her Facebook page and tell her I miss her. Damn Facebook continues to ask me if I want to catch up with her, share the latest news, find her some friends. She is constantly in my friend reminder window.

Yes Facebook, I would like to share the latest news. Do you have a way to do that or do you just enjoy torturing me?

I wish I could talk to her just one more time. Take in her smile and the twinkle in her eye. Tell her that no matter what, I’m here for her and her family.

And give her a hug.

I will continue with more about her passing and how I’m working through it in another post later this week.